Words to my husband that we are like neighbors. Completely confused. My wife and I live like neighbors. How loved ones turn into neighbors

Hello Bushed.

This sparks my interest in my own behavior, I want to try the same...

At the moment I'm most likely I'm afraid ourselves in our relationships. I am confident in her, but not in myself.

I hear that you want to try “this kind of behavior” and are afraid at the same time. True, it often happens that “I want” and “I’m afraid” go together, and sometimes the second is confused with the first.
What is your fear, what picture, image are you afraid to imagine? perhaps this picture is highly emotionally or sexually charged, and there is some meaning for you in prohibiting yourself from such fantasy(?).
By the way, the strength of such coloring can be given by a long history of restraining desires.

Good evening!

I’m afraid not of the behavior itself, but of the fact that I will behave exactly this way and thereby cause pain to the person next to me. Considering also that before me she had cases of such similar behavior from her men, which may be why her such behavior happened.
I probably really held myself back for a long time. In my youth, before I got married, I had a couple of partners, then I didn’t need it (or I didn’t have time to think about it), and after 5 years of married life, interest arose, but “in the face of morality,” as they say, it’s impossible. True, later, before the divorce, my wife (ex-wife) and I were already looking evenly at our parallel relationships, then I relaxed a little, then an extremely short bachelor life... and here she is!!!
Probably didn't have enough time.....
But I don’t really draw any pictures for myself, in terms of my fantasies....
But for some reason I draw pictures with the participation of my beloved....

Of course, all my thoughts in the context of what is described above revolve around sexual relationships.... do they have a bright color? No. Perhaps, it’s just that sometimes something pops up in your memories, you cling to it like a hook and procrastinate without stopping... until you get distracted by something.



Knowing her position, I understand that if I get carried away, this is the end of the relationship, and I really don’t want that, well, I’m interested in her in everything... and I feel that she might get carried away...

Good afternoon, ABC!

Happy belated holiday!

Maybe I got something wrong with the format?

Message from ;1933683

Of course, all my thoughts in the context of what is described above revolve around sexual relationships.... do they have a bright color? No. Perhaps, it’s just that sometimes something pops up in your memories, you cling to it like a hook and procrastinate without stopping... until you get distracted by something.
At these moments, different feelings come through... the main thing is probably annoyance or resentment...
But is there any point in restraining yourself or not? I don't know, I want to figure it out.
At the same time, I feel something like this: I want to be with my beloved at the same time (to live, raise children, run a household, relax, make love, etc., etc.) and despite this, I just crave sexual adventures... (spring or something).
Knowing her position, I understand that if I get carried away, this is the end of the relationship, and I really don’t want that, well, I’m interested in her in everything... and I feel that she might get carried away...

Bushed, this is what I heard in your words: “I want sexual adventures, in addition to the cozy relationship that I have with my partner, but I’m afraid that she won’t allow me to have these coveted delicacies, plus she will take away those that I have now, and I’m offended and angry at her for this."

Check it out, what do you think?

Good afternoon, ABC.

I looked at the diagram you proposed, I don’t think that in my case everything is so simple, although I could be mistaken
However, I'll try to answer:

Yes I want to. I don’t know why, I just want it and that’s all.

Because We are adults, of course we have already talked about this. One will definitely not be allowed! (we are all owners in our own way and she is no exception). Together?... she said that maybe, but she says that she doesn’t need this and if she does anything, it will only be because of me, and I don’t want to force her into this. If we are going to do something together, do it with mutual desire, and not because someone is impatient, and someone has to step on their own throat. This is not correct in my opinion. My answer is I'm afraid.

The answer is that I’m not afraid that he will take away those “goodies” that we have now. I don't see any problem getting them elsewhere. Has anyone invented anything new in these “sweets”???? Essentially the same thing with variations on the theme.... It’s just that for me personally, “goodies” with the woman I love give me more pleasure than just with a woman.

Or maybe I'm not angry at all? Maybe I'm just a complex person? I’ve never done anything like this and I’m just jealous with a bad, black envy...
Or maybe I just don’t love her, but I painted myself a beautiful picture of the world and I love this picture, but I always feel some kind of catch!

Let me speculate, with your permission.


In my case, this feeling was there from the very beginning, from the moment we met. Maybe that’s why I went where I shouldn’t have and found out what wasn’t worth knowing. And of course, everything I learned went against my ideas about a person. Of course, I understand that most likely I painted an image of her for myself that was convenient or interesting to me, and this image did not correspond to reality. I learned only a small period of her life, about 7-8 months, and based on what I learned, I extrapolated this for her entire life, realizing that usually only the tip of the iceberg is on the surface. When we talked about this, even the first time, she told me that it was not the real her, that she was real with me. How can I believe in this if a person for most of his life was not himself and then suddenly, “lo and behold!”, he became himself... I have never seen such cases in my life... At the same time, I do not at all renounce my words written earlier, she treats me like no one has ever treated me, I feel it, I see it, I feel it, I hear it.
But, as they say, the forks were found, but the sediment remained

That’s why I say that I’m confused or fixated on the same thing because of complexes.
I want to understand myself and understand the reasons for my internal tension.

Thanks in advance.

Yes I want to. My answer is I'm afraid.

The answer is that I’m not afraid that he will take away those “goodies” that we have now. I don't see any problem getting them elsewhere. Has anyone invented anything new in these “sweets”???? Essentially the same thing with variations on the theme.... It’s just that for me personally, “goodies” with the woman I love give me more pleasure than just with a woman.

goodies elsewhere are not the same goodies as with the woman you love, you write it yourself.

Knowing her position, I understand that if I get carried away, this is the end of the relationship

and she already threatened with “the end” if something happened...
so I doubt your “I’m not afraid”.

Or maybe I'm not angry at all? Maybe I'm just a complex person? I’ve never done anything like this and I’m just jealous with a bad, black envy...

But try, as an experiment, to envy “good white envy” and then it will become more clear about the complex or lack thereof.
By the way, do you think there is no anger in black envy?)

Or maybe I just don’t love her, but I painted myself a beautiful picture of the world and I love this picture, but I always feel some kind of catch!

that's a good question... although it's not a question, but a statement, since there's an exclamation mark at the end and not a question mark.
In this beautiful picture, what kind of woman do you draw lives, with what beautiful qualities and features? tell me.

Let me speculate, with your permission.
I didn’t need to know a lot of things, but I did and I don’t feel unique to her because of this. The same words, the same behavior, the same actions towards me that were not done to me before. Maybe I'm just being used in a sophisticated way? The worm of doubt eats away, you know...
It just so happens that I myself have been working with people for a long time, and a number of things in relationships with people have moved to an intuitive level. If I have an inner feeling that I am being deceived or not told, or that they are not doing what I need, after checking it was usually confirmed. But this is work, where you can simply close your eyes to something, because... the main goal is to complete a business task, but here is something else, here is my life and the life of a loved one...

please tell me, Bushed, is it really impossible for anyone to deceive you, keep you under wraps and use you?
you write that somehow your uniqueness suffers from this. Do you have any experience of being so unique and for whom, if any?

She told me that it was not the real her, that she was real with me. How can I believe in this if a person for most of his life was not himself and then suddenly, “lo and behold!”, he became himself... I have never seen such cases in my life...

yes, how do you know about reality if you have a beautiful image in your mind instead of a real woman...

At the same time, I do not at all renounce my words written earlier, she treats me like no one has ever treated me, I feel it, I see it, I feel it, I hear it.

no one to see you How didn't apply, Bushed?
What exactly have you not seen, felt or heard from others before?

Good afternoon, ABC.
Thanks for your reply.

About your doubts about “I’m afraid/not afraid”
I have always associated fear with some sensations within myself. Here I feel that I am afraid, but here I feel that I am not afraid.
Therefore, in the case of adventures, I say that I’m afraid, but in the case of treats with my beloved, I say that I’m not afraid. (Maybe there is no feeling of fear due to the absence of the threat of losing these delicacies, I don’t know...) Probably, I’m even afraid not of the lack of adventure itself, but of the loss of freedom in obtaining the possibility of such adventures. What I definitely wouldn’t want to lose is my freedom, even the feeling of it...

…. and she already threatened with “the end” if something happened... .

Do you understand what kind of adventures there can be besides “those cozy ones” without the inclusion of other participants?! Her phrases, “if there is betrayal, then this is the end.” Here you really need to decide what treason is... If it’s on the sly, secretly, then yes, but if the adventure is open with consent, so to speak..., and together it’s even better, but the answer is - “with what kind of consent?” and “I don’t want to share you with anyone”...
So she threatened. But he is not inclined to say that he will fulfill his threat. For some reason it seems so to me.

And try, as an experiment, to envy “good white envy” and then it will become more clear about the complex or lack thereof.
By the way, do you think there is no anger in black envy?) .

I agree with you that anger and envy go hand in hand, only in my opinion they are both white and black.

...in this beautiful picture, what kind of woman do you draw lives, with what beautiful qualities and features? tell me.

I have always believed that a woman should be selective, careful, restrained in her momentary desires (especially of a carnal nature, while I do not believe that we should generally abstain from realizing our desires, abstinence is simply harmful), and take care of our reputation.

Please tell me, Bushed, is it really impossible for anyone to deceive you, keep you back and use you?

You can deceive, keep back and use anyone. Including me. In the first two cases, if I don’t know about it, then, as I wrote before, ignorance is bliss, but if it accidentally comes out, there’s thunder and thunder. I prefer to be better prepared for various unpleasant surprises. Regarding use... here I can only say one thing: if I agree that I am being used, and I consciously go for it, then I can live with it calmly, but if I am used against my will, there will be some kind of unpleasant feeling, and I will fight this in every possible way, even using radical methods, well, I don’t like it.

You write that somehow your uniqueness suffers from this. Do you have any experience of being so unique and for whom, if any?

I have no experience and never had it, just my inflated pride and conceit. I'm afraid to be compared with someone and God forbid this comparison will not be in my favor... It's good that I most likely won't find out about it.))))

Yes, how do you know about reality if you have a beautiful image in your mind instead of a real woman...

How can I even know about realness, no way... it’s just better not to say that it wasn’t real then, but now it’s real. Once a person did something, he did it, whether he was real or not doesn’t matter. This is his action, his decision and his lifelong responsibility for such an action.
By the way, in the context of what I said, I meant comparing her with herself before me and with me. Looking at her now (even from the moment we met), it just doesn’t fit in my head that she could do the way she did. Or am I such a professional in obtaining incriminating evidence that I managed to pull all her skeletons out of the closet at once, which is also likely, and by focusing on them make incorrect judgments about a person. I myself also have in my biography things that are not approved by the morality of society, but no one except me will get to the bottom of them under any circumstances - they are walled up, encrypted, and forgotten.

What exactly have you not seen, felt or heard from others before?

1. I have never heard so many kind words addressed to me;

Something like this....

Do you have any experience of such a loss of freedom, Bushed? well, or loss of freedom in some other areas of life, not only personal...

I agree with you that anger and envy go hand in hand, only in my opinion they are both white and black.
I try, but nothing works. Tell me how to experiment, where to change “–” to “+”?

in “white envy” there is such a moment that “ahha, I want the same thing,” and since I know what I want, I go and do it and get it, or I refuse to realize what I want. in general, you are more likely to take responsibility for your own needs.
that is, direct the energy of anger, aggression towards the realization of desires, or otherwise use it to benefit yourself.
in “black” it’s more like aggression towards the one who has what I want, because he’s a radish, since he owns it himself, but doesn’t give it to me. and then responsibility for what I want is, as it were, transferred to this person who is envied.
and anger is wasted in vain, because it is directed in the wrong direction. plus, it destroys either oneself, or another person, or a relationship, or all at once, which again is not beneficial.

I have always believed that a woman should be selective, careful, restrained in her momentary desires (especially of a carnal nature, while I do not believe that we should generally abstain from realizing our desires, abstinence is simply harmful), and take care of our reputation.

When you describe the qualities of such a woman, whose image appears before your mind's eye?
who is such an example for you in real life?

You can deceive, keep back and use anyone. Including me. In the first two cases, if I don’t know about it, then, as I wrote before, ignorance is bliss, but if it accidentally comes out, there’s thunder and thunder. I prefer to be better prepared for various unpleasant surprises. Regarding use... here I can only say one thing: if I agree that I am being used, and I consciously go for it, then I can live with it calmly, but if I am used against my will, there will be some kind of unpleasant feeling, and I will fight this in every possible way, even using radical methods, well, I don’t like it.

Can you remember the first time you were used like this and you didn’t like it?

I have no experience and never had it, just my inflated pride and conceit. I'm afraid to be compared with someone and God forbid this comparison will not be in my favor... It's good that I most likely won't find out about it.))))

well sad...
You don’t have the experience of realizing your uniqueness, but you have the experience of being compared with others and not in your favor.(
Do you remember who used to compare you like that?

1. I have never heard so many kind words addressed to me;
2. No one has ever given me such gifts. I'm not talking about material gifts. For example, about planning the whole day of my birthday, getting me out of work, running away on her own, going to the place she had planned, there she had already prepared everything, too, so that this day would be remembered for the rest of my life. And believe me, this BD was memorable. The rest are monotonous, but this one stands out.
3. No one met me from my business trip at the station.
4. No one rushed to my house (when we were not yet living together) to see each other.
5. I have never seen such a loving look in my direction.
6. No one told me that they wanted to have a child from me, and not in general. They said that they generally want children, in my opinion there is a difference.
7. No one (except my mother in childhood) looked after me like that when I was sick.
8. No one planned or organized my vacation (of course, joint with her), usually I did it.
9. No one has ever been so jealous of me. To be fair, unlike me, he doesn’t go through my emails and phones like I did...
10. Every day he kisses me before going to bed, and every morning he wishes me Have a good day before leaving for work, and if in the morning he forgets to say “ Good morning!”, at least he will send you an SMS with such a wish.
11. In the end, people want me all the time, and so do I, really. I've never had so much sex over a long period of time. And she says that she has too.

True, if you say that no one has ever given you such individual attention, but more and more compared with others and not in your favor, then accepting everything that you have listed is not very easy...
then you habitually begin to do to yourself what others used to do to you - compare yourself with your partner’s past boyfriends, and not in your favor.

Last edited by ABC; 03/18/2013 at 13:59 .

Good afternoon, ABC.
Thanks for your reply.

In adult life, perhaps not, only if I limited myself in something because of my principles or because of socially accepted behavior. But my Soviet childhood and youth were a complete restriction of freedom, however, exactly the same as for all people of my generation. What is one army worth?

About white/black envy. Thanks for the advice, I'll work on it. And regarding taking responsibility, believe me, I have made decisions many times and been responsible for them and am not at all afraid of it. It’s just that in this case I don’t want to hurt a person, much less satisfy my desires on the sly.

When you describe the qualities of such a woman, whose image appears before your mind's eye? who is such an example for you in real life?

Thought... Considering that of the women I know (knew) I can fully appreciate only a few of the qualities I described, then 2 images emerge that 100% correspond to this description - an ex-wife and one of my friends (after my wife and before my beloved), the rest are 70-80% consistent. Those. I can’t name one specific image. Maybe I’m imagining the image differently? In general, when I wrote the qualities, I did not imagine anyone in particular, I just would like my loved one to have these qualities. I didn’t choose an employee for my job, and before I fell in love with a person I didn’t ask for his profile, it just so happened that my expectations were not met. Now I just want to change my attitude towards this, with my brain I understand that nothing special happened and It is unlikely that it can somehow influence the future, but there is some kind of worm sitting inside, it must be destroyed or re-educated. I can’t fix the situation...

Can you remember the first time you were used like this and you didn’t like it?

Because As a child, I was a calm guy, I didn’t know how to fight... at school, under pain of physical harm, I became dependent on one classmate, in which I remained for a couple of years. Just like that. I won’t say that this had a negative impact on my life, because... After that, I tried all the time and achieved this so that I could influence people and they would do what I want, and apparently I’m doing pretty well.

....you have no experience of realizing your uniqueness, but you have experience of being compared with others and not in your favor. (Remember who usually compared you like that?...
...however, if you say that no one has ever given you such individual attention, but more and more compared with others and not in your favor, then accepting everything that you have listed is not very easy...
...then you habitually begin to do to yourself what others used to do to you - compare yourself with your partner’s past boyfriends, and not in your favor.

I don’t remember that anyone has ever compared me with anyone and on any issues, at least no one has told me such comparisons. So there is no habit. For some reason I compare myself, while I know that people simply may not say anything and even if they don’t say it, that doesn’t mean they don’t compare.
Regarding uniqueness... hmm... I know my own worth, believe me, and I am aware of my uniqueness in many moments. The only thing is that I constantly need praise, in relation to all aspects of life, both personal and work. Those. if I did something and I think that this thing is outstanding or different from others, and no one said anything to me... I get upset, it’s offensive for some reason, I tried. I've done a lot of things throughout my life that deserved praise and didn't receive it. But now, when my beloved gives me compliments or says that I’m just so cute here, for some reason I question it. Not all of them, of course, but I bet... For some reason these doubts and comparisons revolve around sex, in other aspects of life I have few competitors among the male population, why I say this, because this part of life is open to everyone and I can compare it completely objectively, Of course there are cockroaches, but they are not scary. But sexual life is a thing hidden from outsiders (except the participants directly) and there can be no objective comparison here. At the beginning of our acquaintance, my beloved and I had a philosophical conversation about what the relationship between M and F depends on, and we both agreed that sexual life is a 50% component of this relationship. Knowing this state of affairs, I really wouldn’t want only my advantages and advantages over others outside of sex to be taken into account, and sex to be perceived as it is (here is uncertainty and comparison with others). If you want to be the best for someone (and especially for a loved one), then be 100% sure of everything.
A little about what fuels this uncertainty. My beloved left her twice common-law husband because of his infidelities, she returned once, and after leaving for the second time, she periodically met with him for sex for two years, this even happened in the intervals (or maybe in parallel, I don’t know) between her other gentlemen. I know how she spoke about all her gentlemen in comparison with him in a letter to her friend, i.e. I didn’t value them at all, though in all aspects of life and sex (I understand that it wasn’t me that was compared, but for some reason I project this onto myself and for some reason I really want them to write about me in the same way, saying that there are no equals. ...). And also, after we started living together, we agreed to break off all previous contacts, and she changed the name on his phone number to a woman’s, of course, then she deleted it at my insistence, but a fact is a fact. I don’t want someone to live with me because of the quality of everyday life and a kind soul, but in my memory they always remembered someone previous for great sex and dreamed of repeating these feelings again. Isn't it very similar to use?

In adult life, perhaps not, only if I limited myself in something because of my principles or because of socially accepted behavior. But my Soviet childhood and youth were a complete restriction of freedom, however, exactly the same as for all people of my generation. What is one army worth?

and who mainly limited you in childhood and adolescence?

About white/black envy. Thanks for the advice, I'll work on it. And regarding taking responsibility, believe me, I have made decisions many times and been responsible for them and am not at all afraid of it. It’s just that in this case I don’t want to hurt a person, much less satisfy my desires on the sly.

and here is the concept answer ownership is not about making decisions, but about one’s own answer to the voice of your wants, as you say, needs.
What do you answer to these “I want”?
So far, I notice that you are suppressing the voice of your desire, saying “I don’t want to hurt a person” (it’s not clear what you mean by this, perhaps “I don’t want to look like a bad guy in a person’s eyes”), as well as giving a negative assessment of what you want - “ on the sly,” that is, again this idea that only bad guys satisfy their desires on the sly, unlike the good ones, who do not on the sly.
answer

Considering that of the women I know (knew) I can fully appreciate only a few of the qualities I described, 2 images emerge that 100% correspond to this description - an ex-wife and one of my friends (after my wife and before my beloved)

At the same time, you are not living with any of these ideal women now as a man and a woman...

If you look a little deeper into the past, what kind of woman can you remember who has these qualities:

Selective, cautious, with restraint regarding her momentary desires (especially of a carnal nature, while I do not believe that one should generally abstain from realizing one’s desires; abstinence is simply harmful), and takes care of one’s reputation.

and at the same time being in an asexual relationship with you? (and it definitely exists, or was.)

I don’t remember that anyone has ever compared me with anyone and on any issues, at least no one has told me such comparisons. So there is no habit. For some reason I compare myself

,
since you are afraid of comparison:

I'm afraid to be compared with someone else and God forbid this comparison will not be in my favor...

This means there have been precedents in the past when comparison with others brought you unpleasant experiences.

Regarding uniqueness... hmm... I know my own worth, believe me, and I am aware of my uniqueness in many moments.

I'm just reading what you wrote earlier:

I found out and I don't feel unique for her because of this.

The only thing is that I constantly need praise, in relation to all aspects of life, both personal and work. Those. if I did something and think that this thing is outstanding or different from others, and no one told me anything... I get upset, it's a shame for some reason, I tried.
I've done a lot of things throughout my life that deserved praise and didn't receive it.

for whom did you try?

The truth is in all aspects, both everyday life and sex (I understand that it was not me who was compared, but for some reason I project this onto myself and for some reason I really want them to write about me in the same way, they say there are no equals....).

but I want it to Who
you are competing with someone and bringing these “who” into bed, in which you are alone with your woman.

I don’t want someone to live with me because of the quality of everyday life and a kind soul, but in my memory they always remembered someone previous for great sex and dreamed of repeating these feelings again. Isn't it very similar to use?

More like jealousy of someone who is a great sexual partner and, compared to you, desirable.

Last edited by ABC; 03/20/2013 at 22:14.

Good afternoon, ABC.
Thanks for your reply.
Parents, mainly the father, because I “flew” from him for my various creations, I remember my mother somehow allowing me to do anything more, maintaining neutrality and protecting (I don’t remember that she even swore at my brother and me at least once).

So far, I notice that you are suppressing the voice of your desire, saying “I don’t want to hurt a person” (it’s not clear what you mean by this, perhaps “I don’t want to look like a bad guy in a person’s eyes”), as well as giving a negative assessment of what you want - “ on the sly,” that is, again this idea that only bad guys satisfy their desires on the sly, unlike the good ones, who do not on the sly.
this is how you successfully avoid giving yourself a clear answer, hiding behind some socially approved framework.

You know, that's how it is. I don’t want to be a “bad guy” for this person, I suppress my desires by hiding outside the framework (although I actually went beyond the framework more than once), etc. Everything is on point!!!

At the same time, you are not living with any of these ideal women now as a man and a woman...
and my wife (who has the listed desirable qualities), as far as I understand, generally lived as neighbors, that is, asexually.

Well, you can’t say that it’s downright asexual with your wife, we had sex quite often, but there were no feelings, it’s similar to that joke “sex with your wife sooner or later turns into incest,” because she’s already becoming a sister (or a very close one) friend) according to internal feelings, but otherwise we had everything separately, different interests, different recreation, different computers in different rooms, even in general, everything else was separate.

If you look a little deeper into the past, what kind of woman do you remember who has these qualities: and at the same time is in an asexual relationship with you? (and it definitely exists, or was.)

In asexuals - the mother. Of course, I don’t know anything about her carnal desires, but this once again proves that she cares about her reputation.

If you are afraid of comparison...it means there were precedents in the past when comparison with others brought you unpleasant experiences.
and the phenomenon “for some reason I compare myself” does not arise out of nowhere, most likely you have learned to do to yourself what others did to you before.
for whom did you try?
for whom did they do it and from whom did they expect praise?

I’ll start with school, I don’t remember if I was expecting praise, but in those subjects where teachers noticed me I was always on top, I don’t know, maybe they were just good at me, and then they noticed me...
Parents - Mother praised, but not often. My father didn’t praise me (I don’t remember this), he punished me more often; in general, it seems to me that he didn’t love me, since he actually didn’t hide my younger brother. Well, of course, it came to both of us from him, but he had a warmer relationship with the younger one.

When my brother was born, they told me, “You’re all big and independent,” and I was 5 years old... I remember that I even sat at home with him all day long, when he was a year and a half old, and I was 6. Well, there’s nowhere to put him it was, and maternity leave was short then... (here it seems like there is a restriction of freedom... maybe I wanted to go for a walk (I just don’t remember), but I had to sit with him... yeah) But I don’t feel either I never felt hatred or anger or envy towards him, we have always been friends and we are friends now. No, of course we sometimes quarreled, sometimes, but not often, he got it from me, I was older and stronger.

And I want it to Who wrote about you that you have no equal in sex and everyday life?

Well, of course I want my beloved to write that I have no equal. Of course, she tells me about this, but still it could just be flattery. But in a letter to a friend (or conversation) it’s completely different. Of course, I understand that she wrote this before she met me, and that later I turned out to be the same one with whom it’s not even possible to compare anyone, and she stopped communicating with her ex (at my request).

You are competing with someone and bringing these “who” into bed, in which you are alone with your woman.
I wonder why you needed “them” when the two of you are in bed - two adults, a man and a woman?

I’m definitely not competing with my brother, in the literal sense of course. Why do I need them? I don’t need them, I don’t need assistants at all, I can do everything perfectly well myself, that’s why they come out?! This is the answer I'm looking for. I don’t want them to come out, they bother me.

More like jealousy of someone who is a great sexual partner and, compared to you, desirable.

About a more desirable partner - these are my conjectures (I judge objectively). I don’t know at all how one man differs from another in terms of sex. I can tell how one woman differs from another. And honestly, when my “cockroaches” come out, I always try to understand my attitude towards my exes. Yes, I don’t care about them, and I don’t want sex with them (of course I can have sex with them under a certain set of circumstances, but I won’t specifically look for it myself), although in their own way they were all different, but to say that somehow then unique - no.
So while the question remains open, I understand with my mind that it’s nonsense, but I can’t do anything with my gut. I want them not to come out, but to be remembered, etc.

When answering about women in asexual relationships, I meant that it’s just a relationship without sex. I hope I understood correctly.

Probably, I’m even afraid not of the lack of adventure itself, but of the loss of freedom in obtaining the possibility of such adventures. What I definitely wouldn’t want to lose is my freedom, even the feeling of it...

Who mainly limited you in childhood and adolescence?

Parents, mainly the father, because I “flew” from him for my various creations, I remember my mother somehow allowing me to do anything more, maintaining neutrality and protecting (I don’t remember that she even swore at my brother and me at least once)..

It turns out that your freedom was historically limited by your parents, mainly by your father, and now that you are an adult, you have made your woman a limiting parent.

You know, that's how it is. I don’t want to be a “bad guy” for this person, I suppress my desires by hiding outside the framework (although I actually went beyond the framework more than once), etc. Everything is on point!!!
So what should I do? It’s clear that I’m not expecting specific guidelines for action, I understand you perfectly well about responsibility, I’ll make my own decision on what exactly to do.

Why is being a bad guy so unsuitable for you? considering that the bad boy is a hero children's literature...

Well, you can’t say that it’s downright asexual with your wife, we had sex quite often, but there were no feelings, it’s similar to that joke “sex with your wife sooner or later turns into incest,” because she’s already becoming a sister (or a very close one) friend) according to internal feelings, but otherwise we had everything separately, different interests, different recreation, different computers in different rooms, even in general, everything else was separate.

In asexuals - the mother. Of course, I don’t know anything about her carnal desires, but this once again proves that she cares about her reputation.

you said that how neighbors lived with their wife, and neighbors, if they have sex, are already lovers, and not just neighbors.
at the same time, your wife corresponded to your above-mentioned ideals of a woman, along with your mother, and possessing these mother’s qualities, in the end, she practically became an object of incest, which is what you yourself write about.

It turns out that by separating from ex-wife interests, relaxation, computers and everything else, and later, by completely breaking up with her, you, as it were, created a separation from your mother, who, according to your own words, together with your father, although to a lesser extent than he, limited you in childhood and adolescence in freedom.

Parents - Mother praised, but not often. My father didn’t praise me (I don’t remember this), he punished me more often; in general, it seems to me that he didn’t love me, since he actually didn’t hide my younger brother. Well, of course, it came to both of us from him, but he had a warmer relationship with the younger one.
An interesting conclusion arises - is it possible that I’m comparing myself to my brother? Did I try for my parents to be noticed and caressed?

it turns out like this.
your father loved your brother, not you. did not praise, limited freedom, punished.
your father loved your brother as his son and your mother as his wife, but not you. It’s as if you find yourself alone, while simultaneously witnessing the mutual love of three close people. they are together, they feel good, there is love among them, they are loved. and all you are left with are punishments, restrictions, coldness and unlovingness.

When my brother was born, they told me, “You’re all big and independent,” and I was 5 years old... I remember that I even sat at home with him all day long, when he was a year and a half old, and I was 6. Well, there’s nowhere to put him it was, but maternity leave was short then... (here it seems like there is a restriction of freedom... maybe I wanted to go for a walk (I just don’t remember), but I had to sit with him... yeah) But I do not feel and have never felt hatred or malice or envy towards him, We have always been friends and we are friends now. No, of course we sometimes quarreled, sometimes, but not often, he got it from me, I was older and stronger.

and who did you feel hatred or anger towards then?

she says, but you don’t believe it. You have learned long ago and firmly that you have no place among your loved ones.

I’m definitely not competing with my brother, in the literal sense of course. Why do I need them? I don’t need them, I don’t need assistants at all, I can do everything perfectly well myself, that’s why they come out?! This is the answer I'm looking for. I don’t want them to come out, they bother me.

why do you need them?
You’re not competing with your brother, but with which man in your life?

About a more desirable partner - these are my conjectures (I judge objectively). I don’t know at all how one man differs from another in terms of sex.

Well, now think about the difference between a man who owns the most ideal woman, from the man who owns a not so ideal woman, in any case, “discredited” by past connections with other men.

Good afternoon, ABC!
Thanks for your reply.

Yes, in general, in many cases I am a bad guy and I don’t feel any remorse for it, but in the context of our conversation it turns out that I limit myself from “bad” behavior in order to please someone... If you dig deeper into your sensations and feelings , it turns out that I have a fear (precisely fear) of being abandoned, or as you wrote

Your father loved your brother as his son and your mother as his wife, but not you. It’s as if you find yourself alone, while simultaneously witnessing the mutual love of three close people. they are together, they feel good, there is love among them, they are loved. and all you are left with are punishments, restrictions, coldness and unlovingness.

It turns out that it is only because of this fear that I restrain myself in my desires and become dependent... And internally this torments me...

And who did you feel hatred or anger towards then?

The truth is that I never felt obvious hatred or anger towards any person, if only momentary or quickly passing. I could (and may) not like people, but then I preferred not to communicate with them, not to intersect with them, to part ways. Those. no person - no problem.

You’re not competing with your brother, but with which man in your life?
who grabbed everything for himself - both his brother and his mother, as your ideal woman...

The conclusion is clear - I’ve been competing with my father all my life, although he’s been dead for 13 years... I’m always proving something to him so that he’ll pay attention to me and finally fall in love with me.

Why do you need them?

I don't need them. But maybe subconsciously I project the image of my father onto them and try to compete with them and, thinking that they are better than me, I begin to be jealous?!

She says, but you don't believe it. You have learned long ago and firmly that you have no place among your loved ones.

and how to learn the opposite? believe and enjoy the moment? On the other hand, why not. We will solve problems as they arise. What to run ahead of the horse? If he stops loving, then so be it, but for now let’s enjoy the situation

Well, now think about how the man who owns the most ideal woman differs from the man who owns a not-so-ideal woman, at least “discredited” by past connections with other men.

Now I’m thinking... I can’t find a clear answer. It turns out that the only difference is the envy of the second towards the first, which, as you wrote, he himself has envy, but does not give to others... I don’t find any other differences, well, if you don’t take the fact that the first did his dirty deed in relation to the upbringing of his children and planted a bunch of problems in them, and the second one can still adjust his behavior and attitude.

Yes, in general, in many cases I am a bad guy and I don’t feel any remorse for it, but in the context of our conversation it turns out that I limit myself from “bad” behavior in order to please someone... If you dig deeper into your sensations and feelings , it turns out that I have a fear (precisely fear) of being abandoned, or as you wrote

It turns out that it is only because of this fear that I restrain myself in my desires and become dependent... And internally this torments me...

fear of being abandoned like a boy by his parents? if so, then from this childish role you are giving your current lover responsibility for your torment over her past partners.
As an adult, you know how to take responsibility for yourself, but here your vulnerable part—the childish part—comes to the fore.
and children do not have to choose, they just use the choice of their elders and worry if the choice is not successful.

The truth is that I never felt obvious hatred or anger towards any person, if only momentary or quickly passing. I could (and may) not like people, but then I preferred not to communicate with them, not to intersect with them, to part ways. Those. no person - no problem.

It’s strange that we didn’t feel it. In general, people tend to hate and get angry, and not even momentarily.
But how, for example, can you not communicate with those with whom you live tightly in the same apartment, in the same family, and at the same time, we know that in relationships everything is quite complicated and tense? if you express anger openly, they will sweep it away, smear it all over the walls... all that remains is to hide it deeper, push it away. as if to say: there’s nothing, I’m not angry, except momentarily, lightly.