Unmarried girls 30 years old. Making a woman's choice

Well, did you live to be 30 without getting married or having children? Congratulations, you are an old maid. And let the evil grannies at the entrance not call you that way to your face, but you definitely see the sidelong glances, and you hear the sympathetic sighs.

Don't tell me you didn't do it yourself. That at the age of twenty I didn’t glance sideways at my thirty-year-old acquaintances with thoughts of how mercilessly they wasted the very ten years when they had to woo and give birth. Remember, you thought: “Why is this Masha digging around? I’d take any man, it’s time to give birth, the clock is ticking.” Now what? Now you are such a Masha yourself.

Well, okay, not at twenty. At twenty you still don’t want to get married: life is too exciting without it. But by 25, panic begins. If before this time you have not become someone’s—or at least someone’s—legal wife, that’s it, life is not sweet, it is unloved by itself. Turned 26 - you try on dark clothes of the hoodie style, turn the lights down, look through your makeup bag for sparkles, turn off the color. You straighten out the errors of the language: no slang, no chances, no options. You find yourself staying late at work more and more often. But it’s not you who is put in the boss’s chair.

And at first you are gnawed by some vague doubts about the fact that you put your life in the wrong place and covered it with the wrong thing. And then - just in time for thirty - he lets go. And you don't care anymore. You no longer want a new chair, you are here, a full-fledged developed personality. Languages, travel, rumba on weekends.

Who has anything to prove? Everything worked out.

You now have bright lipstick, stilettos and complete independence. One day, while pouring dry food for your cat in the twilight of the kitchen, illuminated by an open refrigerator, you suddenly realize that your life has not been a success. What you have been doing all this time is not needed by anyone, including you, and you yourself are old and unnecessary to anyone. And you put on your best hat, take out a little Beretta from the elastic of your stocking and put a bullet in your forehead, like any self-respecting nonentity.

Come on, of course not. Where did you get those ancient stockings with elastic? There is already silicone everywhere. Therefore, this story will have a different ending.

Maybe it’s enough to listen to those who are inside the stereotype and think that women at thirty with an unfulfilled personal life howl like a wolf at the full moon and gnaw their veins with their teeth in order to die at least from blood loss, since things didn’t work out with Beretta? Look back at the past decade: have you really never been asked to get married? Think about it, why didn’t you come out? Do you know why. I did everything right.

And look around. Those who baptize you when they meet you and splash you with holy water for not being like them. Oh, you poor thing, they say. Well, it’s okay, they say, and you, girl, will be lucky. Look what's wrong with them. Okay, I agree, Lyuba has a successful case. Husband, family and even twins: I shot once for myself and for that guy. Well, what about the rest? How many people have experience of divorce, alimony, cannibalistic husbands and “vamping” mothers-in-law with a dog and sterile floors? There will be more of these than one lucky Lyuba.

You can be lonely and even unloved in marriage.

If you think big, look around and admit to yourself: even now it’s not a problem to find a husband. There are no fewer suitors than there were five years ago, and some of them are really committed to serious relationship. Yes, yes, the same Vitya whom you have been harassing for the third week. But you don’t want to marry the first person you meet. You want and expect love. And we affirm that everything can work out. Maybe even tomorrow. Only you are no longer twenty, and you will build your relationships without rushing into the pool without reasoning. In addition to love, you will need mutual respect, the ability to exchange warmth, and the desire to create comfort. Your marriage will be different. He will be the best.

And you’re right that you don’t get married based on public opinion. Look around: mostly the divorcees turned out to be those who seven years ago clicked their tongues and shook their heads: “What are you doing, girl? You will remain an old maid! I'm here with my husband. Bad, yes mine.” They got married, realizing that they were marrying a “bad guy.” In the back of their minds a monotonous metronome sounded, counting down the number of years of hassle before the divorce, because “you can’t live with him.” But they walked. They were there. To say: “Married? I was there, I didn’t like it.”

Well, why was there any fear of remaining an old maid?

Well, now - yes, exhale. If doubts were gnawing at you, if you thought that you were doing something wrong, not according to plan, not according to Ilyich’s behests and contrary to society, then exhale. Everything is fine with you, you shouldn’t have married anyone if you didn’t want it. So for some reason it was necessary. And it was necessary for you, first of all, yourself. You acted in accordance with your inner feelings and did not become a traitor only because of the pressure of society, which requires you to comply with the rules invented by someone. You formed, grew and developed. And you became confident, feminine, beautiful. Your life is in full swing, and romantic adventures are just beginning. Happiness ultimately does not come from marriage. Happiness is within you.

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Is it possible to get married after 30 years? Photo: Lori.ru.

And Rina Kholina talks about how not to be a victim of your own mothers, old-fashioned men and stereotypes.

“He won’t marry you...” says my friend’s mother.

She looks as if she is saying, “I have stage four cancer.” There is despair and resignation here - all at the same time. Here are all the questions for the universe: why did you, daughter, divorce a good man, and why do you need this dude who walks around in tights, and what are you going to do at thirty-one years old, your flower is already blooming...

The mother has only one concern - that everything is fine for her daughter. That is, so that she would find herself a good husband - and would no longer get divorced, but would live well, make good money. So that the person is good and reliable.

This is where I really want to go into a rage. No, I know, of course, what such a relationship looks like. I noticed. But you know - it’s like the first time. This makes you never stop being furious.

These mothers are tireless. All calls, all meetings - the same agenda, twenty-five again, great again. They never get tired of muttering the same thing, the same thing, the same thing. And this is a generation syndrome. Not an exception.

I can't even imagine what it's like to communicate with such people. I can only imagine how difficult it is to develop under such pressure. And I know exactly how many girls from 20 to 22 years old get married only to plug this hole of reproaches. Well, and young people too.

I just want to understand what a bomb fell on the heads of such mothers, that they live in the 21st century, they have the Internet, but nothing has changed in their consciousness. Not a single breath of fresh air. And why do they all think that marriage is the key to all doors?

My version is revenge. Like, we suffered - and you suffer. Pass on the misfortune to another - very popular game: “I supposedly got married for love or what? It was necessary! I sacrificed everything!”

Such women - they want others, even their own children, to suffer. Until recently, it was considered important that women give birth in pain and humiliation. Only pain, only hardcore. Caesarean section was considered a crime. Like, how could she just refuse long contractions, the rudeness of the nurse, and the urging of the midwife?

Did you give birth in a modern way, with epidural anesthesia, with caring staff, and in ten minutes? Badly. Very bad.

It's all one. Share our feminine torments. First, to this nasty husband. With this dirty sex. Then a difficult birth. Then a difficult life. Our unity is in torment.

"For whom?!" - the girls think in panic, excited by this position in life.

It doesn't matter anymore. If only.

They are afraid to live for their own pleasure - because there is no such thing as their own. There is pleasure exclusively collective. Sex, for example, is yours, personal. Therefore it is impossible. Well, that is, you can, of course, but with doubts, with the expectation of reading the answer in your eyes - the only one or not, will he give you a ring or so, he’s playing around. Sex for the sake of sex - well, it’s somehow obscene, don’t you agree? After all, there must be a plan. First sex - then marriage.

I personally, in some ridiculous way, have been married three times. True, everything was for technical reasons - all sorts of joint property. And now I understand that there was no point in this anyway (in marriage). True, everything was dry and modest - no weddings, of course. They signed and divorced, without sentimentality. I'm not crazy to spend money on a wedding instead of spending it on something truly nice. For travel, clothes, a car, restaurants.

To be honest, I’m even ashamed of these purely formal marriages. Well, it’s kind of ridiculous to be married three times at the age of forty-two. Terribly outdated. If you say something like that somewhere in Germany, for example, they look at you with wild eyes. And you feel awkward not because someone is judging you, but because you seem to yourself strange man, who for some reason did something frankly senseless.

And in Russia this happens - men ask a little on the sly if you have been married. Well, not all men, of course, but old-regime ones. After all, you generally seem strange to them - you have your own opinion, you don’t give them any credit until they say something really smart. And at first I sincerely (albeit with irony) answered about these stupid things of mine three times, and then I realized that this was like a test. If she was married, it means she was in demand. She wasn’t - well, she was just showing off. Mom dear. As a result, I stopped communicating with the old regime (even if they are wonderful individuals) - these prehistoric ways are unbearable. A parallel universe, honestly. Everyone walks on their heads and takes food with their feet.

But the girls still want to get married, because there is hope - the husband is the Kremlin. That is, a wall, a shoulder, no worries or hassle with him, his mouth is full of only caramels and marshmallows.

I have a very talented friend, but she has successful husband. That is, she is doing something, but not for real. Because he's a husband. And so everything is fine. And I am suffering. I think how everything would have worked out great for her if she didn’t have a husband - well, or she did, God bless him, but he didn’t earn so well. They do everything out of love, but at the same time they have this feminine habit - if everything is great with your husband, you don’t have to strain yourself. Another component of a purely Russian marriage.

A woman feels successful as an attachment to a man. To build a business from scratch, to really work, to achieve millimeter by millimeter - oh, no... For example, many people know Ulyana Sergeenko. In which, when she decided to become a great designer, her husband invested a huge amount of money. Millions. One show - at least 400 thousand euros. I want everything at once, I am the mistress of the sea. But this is not about business. It's about a husband and vanity. Working means sitting beautifully in an elegant dress and reviving the skills of Vologda lacemakers. A woman's career is her husband's money. Perfectly ideal. This is what everyone dreams of. So that in business, and not take out loans, and sleep peacefully at night to the timid rustle of banknotes (instead of the sounds of the surf).

Or it happens - they invest in a girl, and she’s like: “What, should I have given it away? Do I owe you? And there we are talking about hundreds of thousands of euros.

And here I see the bad thing in the fact that a woman evaluates a man as a resource. Not as a business partner, not as a life partner, but as such a treasure chest. That's why she wants to be loved. They love you - they give you money. Everything is fine with her, as long as they love her, as long as the loan is open, as long as she can have fun and not create her own life.

It's terrible that this cannot be changed. That is, the next generations are already different. The future is theirs. But those who are already acting here and now - their psychology is changed only by a lobotomy. Logic as tenacious as cockroaches: husband, money, success. Success for now - money and husband, but it doesn’t matter - it will be new husband and new success.

Therefore, everyone wants to get married, everyone wants a “worthy” husband, everyone sees in this their personal future, their way to the top.

What is a woman without a husband? Nobody. That's what Mom says.

I don't know what everyone should do with these wise mothers. I would break off relations with them - until they beg. Yeah, they do it a month later - and they start from the same point, but you have to decide - whose life is more valuable to you, yours or hers? And can it be fixed? And do you even need to think about all this?

Life is so wonderful. There are so many possibilities in it. In it you can truly achieve something - and feel pride from success, which is better than any husband, better than all. Because this is your success - it’s you and only you, it’s you who did everything, no one pushed you out. You understand your strengths. You believe in your capabilities. You can date anyone and be a sweetheart with them and cook food for them - but only because you want to, and not because “you’re a woman, that’s how it should be.”

Let him not be rich, and let him not be a husband - and thank God. It's much more fun alone.

There is also such a sweet illusion, already among successful girls, that a husband is a family. That is, when there are children, you need a husband, because... Formally, they are right. But in reality anything can happen. And for some reason, “stuff” happens. When he “wants to get married”, to help and have children, he, as a rule, comes across as somewhat unhappy, but at the same time with the confidence that there are “women’s” affairs and there are “men’s” ones. That is, you can still push a screaming and spitting child into him for a couple of minutes, but that’s the maximum. So he will lie somewhere and think about something Very Important. And family responsibilities will remain 80/20 in favor of the girl.

European women have long realized this. Therefore, they rely on their own strength. Children after thirty-five (if, at all, children), and marriage - well, if he begs for eight years, tearfully. Because the fact is this: a woman does everything perfectly herself. And when the husband is another child, then life somehow becomes more complicated.

I'll be honest - in any European province, girls already have a husband and two children at twenty-seven. And they look mournful. The eyes are so glazed, the hair is greasy, the husband trudges along next to him, unhappy and dusty.

But should we compare ourselves to worse options? No, we shouldn't.

Because we're cool. Because all the girls I know, even just a little, indirectly, are so cheerful, lucky, so energetic, and they also love their work. They deserve better. That is, what only they themselves want.

To be honest, Russian girls are a paradox of the universe. With all this inertia and some narrow-mindedness, they are so smart, they evolve so much, they grasp all the most interesting things so quickly that it’s simply amazing how there is still room for all sorts of stereotypes. Moms remind me, yeah. They don't let you relax.

Everyone, unfortunately, loves and feels sorry for their mothers. Here, alas, you can’t even offer any such advice. Hitting the head with a hammer is part of a relationship. Well, at least forget it quickly. But just don't give in. Mom just wants to ruin your life. This is her task. Don’t start thinking, in any kind of despondency, that she’s right about something. She is never right. You have a better life. The way you imagined her. Enjoy. In proud and delightful solitude.

Text: Arina Kholina

Good day, dear readers. Today we will talk about a situation when you are 30 years old and unmarried and have no children. You will learn what factors can influence this. You will know what to do in such a situation. You will find out whether it is normal for a woman to have no family at this age.

Possible reasons

If you are familiar with the phrase “I’m 30 years old and not married,” most likely this is due to the presence of certain factors in your life. Let's look at what reasons influence this.

1. A strong desire to have a husband repels potential suitors. The woman behaves too intrusively, speeds up events. Thus, she scares her partner, and in the end she is left alone.
2. The girl behaves like an equal. She communicates with the man in his language and enjoys watching football. Such a woman is perceived by a man as his boy. In this situation, it is unlikely that they will pay attention to her as a future wife.
3. Excessive self-confidence. The woman is still alone due to the fact that she sets too high standards for her future husband, and is waiting for a prince.
4. The girl pays a lot of attention to her rivals, while trying to criticize the young ladies walking by or even her friends. She believes that this will allow her to assert herself, look more beautiful and better in the eyes of a man. However, this behavior is not perceived by the guy, and he runs away very quickly.
5. One of possible reasons is that the girl is in a relationship with a married man, that is, she is his mistress. The gentleman can feed you empty promises, convince him that he will soon divorce his wife and marry her. However, this does not happen, the years go by, the girl is already thirty, and she still has not started a family.
6. Excessive modesty and shyness can also repel men. Today, guys are more interested in lively and mischievous girls.
7. Men do not marry a woman who, from the very beginning of the relationship, pretends to be the main person in the house. The guy won’t like it if they take his place and force him to obey.
8. Woman - . She is at work all day long and has absolutely no time for her personal life.
9. Fear of the unknown. The girl does not want to change her established way of life, start a family and the accompanying problems.
10. Low self-esteem and strong complexes do not allow a woman to have a serious and long-term relationship.

I am thirty years old, I am married for the second time and have a son. I belong to that category of girls who entered into a marital union too early and quickly divorced. Among my classmates, 20 percent are still unmarried, although this did not stop some from becoming mothers. These girls are in no hurry to connect their lives with men, they live for their own pleasure, most of them make careers. They are only now starting to think about starting a family.

Sequencing

1. Work on your self-knowledge, possible complexes and uncertainty, excessive shyness. It is important to increase your self-esteem, get rid of bad habits and criticism of potential rivals. Stop focusing on marriage if this idea does not leave you every day.
2. If you see that there are certain shortcomings in your figure or appearance, and you are able to correct them yourself, act. Go to the dentist to improve your smile, to the hairdresser to change your hairstyle, to the gym to tighten your figure.
3. Update your wardrobe. It's time to get the cool dress you've been dreaming of for a long time. This purchase will give you more confidence.
4. You shouldn’t sit and wait until your chosen one finds himself in your arms. Expand your social circle, regularly attend public events where there are many young people, attend exhibitions, go to the theater. Engage in self-development, and do not avoid meeting new people.

How to behave

It's time to start living an active life, attend events with large crowds of young people, expand your social circle, and not be afraid of new acquaintances

Let's look at what to do in this or that situation if you are still not married and your age has exceeded thirty.

1. If your crazy desire to get married is to blame, then you need to learn to restrain your emotions and impulses. A woman must realize that with such actions and intrusiveness, she will not win the favor of a man. In addition, life is designed in such a way that we rarely get what we really want. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation, enjoy what you have, and stop thinking about marriage as an obsession.
2. A girl who behaves like a man needs to change her outlook on life, start dressing beautifully, and be more interested in traditionally feminine responsibilities. Suppress the masculinity in yourself so that your partner feels that next to him is a good candidate for a wife.
3. If you are still waiting for a handsome prince, it’s time to come down to earth and stop setting high demands on your partner. Take a close look at the guys around you; perhaps among them there has long been a guy who could win your heart.
4. If you criticize other girls too much, stop doing that. Do not judge anyone and remember “judge not, lest you be judged.” There is no need to treat young ladies this way, even if they really don’t take care of themselves or have problems with being overweight. Try to see the good in other people.
5. If it's all about a seemingly strong love for married man, then it’s time to realize that such a person is not worthy of your feelings. Firstly, you shouldn’t destroy someone else’s family - you won’t build your own happiness on someone else’s ruins. Secondly, it’s high time to understand that the gentleman will not leave his wife, and you will remain a lonely woman.
6. If you are too shy, it's time to work on yourself. If you can’t do it on your own, then it wouldn’t hurt to consult a psychologist. Remember that your family happiness is at stake.
7. If you are used to always deciding everything on your own, being the main one in any relationship, then it’s time to feel like a weak and defenseless woman and allow your partner to be the main one in the relationship.
8. If you disappear all day at work, it’s high time to think about rest and start allocating time for personal leisure.
9. If you are afraid of change, difficulties, and because of this you are postponing marriage, watch other families. Look how happy they are, just think about why you would arbitrarily deprive yourself of such joy.
10. If it’s all about complexities, it’s time to work on yourself, and it’s better to seek help from a specialist who can choose the right course and make you believe in yourself and your strengths.

It is important to understand that a 30-year-old woman owes nothing to anyone. She is not obliged to follow any stereotypes and rush to start a family and have children. A woman should not blush in front of her parents or make excuses in front of her married friends. Each person has his own destiny and his own goals in life.

If a woman wants to devote herself to her home and family and does not think about her career at all, she can get married at 20 years old. While the other wants to live for herself, to stand firmly on her feet, so as not to depend on a man later, in order to be able to give her little one everything he needs, at first she spends years on her career for the sake of a stable position, at 30 she is still without families. This is the choice of everyone. This does not mean that someone lives incorrectly or deviates from generally accepted norms. In addition, do not forget that girls who get married immediately after school or university are most often not happy in their marriage. Such unions quickly fall apart, and girls become single mothers.

If you have no children at 30, this is not a death sentence. Life is just beginning. It’s good when a woman manages to achieve something, decide on her needs, become financially independent, understand who exactly she wants to see next to her, and only after that she starts a family and gives birth to children from her beloved man.

In our column “Women’s Council” with your opinion on typical problems in relationships between men and women, a 40-year-old woman with many years of relationship experience, a 20-year-old young girl and a professional psychologist share their opinions. This week we were contacted by Sylvia, who laments her age and her “single” status.

“I’m already 30 years old and I’m not married, I’m not in a permanent relationship. All my friends have families, but I am alone. The feeling that life is slipping through your fingers. It seems that I have no chance of finding a normal man and having a child! Men with whom I rarely start relationships leave very quickly: they meet other women or simply lose interest in me. I can’t understand whether something is wrong with me or with them. I take care of myself, I read books, I know how to cook borscht. I want to get married, I want a family, but men are running away from me. What to do?" - asks Sylvia.

Opinion of a 40-year-old:“You probably haven’t met YOUR man yet. If men do not stay with you for a long period of time, then you should think about what is wrong either with men or in your behavior pattern. Borscht and books are not the main thing. The main thing is your attitude to life, your smile, your inner charm. Perhaps you see your future husband in everyone you meet, mentally convey this thought to the man, and he runs away from you. Men read your unconscious signals also unconsciously. But there is also such a moment: when you passionately desire something, fixate on something, trying to break through the wall with your head, nothing happens. Let go of the situation, don’t think hard about the fact that you didn’t get married. Although at your age it’s really strange not to be married.”

Opinion of a 20-year-old:“Do you want status or a partner? It's somehow unclear. You should learn to enjoy life, from communicating with yourself and with friends. The description gives the impression that you either “love” men’s brains a lot, or are simply uninteresting because you get bored quickly. Develop yourself, learn new languages, learn skills, then when you have a family, there won’t be so much time for this. If you are interested in yourself, then men will not run away from you. Relax and have fun."

Opinion of psychologist Maria Reut:“From the small amount of information that you gave, Sylvia, it is difficult for me to conclude what is the reason for the rapidly deteriorating relationships with men. You describe yourself as “no worse than others.” You are at the right age to start a family and have a child, so in order not to waste time, I advise you to consult a psychologist who will help you find the reason for your unfulfilling relationship. It doesn’t matter whose fault it happens, it is important to understand the mechanism and have time to do what you set out to do. Good luck, Sylvia!